And that’s the thing with conversations that devolve into sex talk. It’s simply too easy to go there. This is the nature of online communications. Millions of people hiding behind their computers For the past 11 years, have tried online dating. It is really disgusting. I agree percent. 95% of men bring up sex or sexual referemces right away. Literally feels like men treated me like I You have to be really clear on that and set your boundaries accordingly. If he respects them, then he gets the green light and you two can continue to get to know him. If he continues, consider Both genders invite bad behavior from each other in these scenarios and emerge with yet more "proof" that "women are crazy" and "men are assholes." 4. It won't keep you from falling for a 8. I've met six guys through online dating, but so far they all just want to have sex on the first date Credit: Alamy. I desperately needed some love so I turned to online dating and found ... read more
So you're a single midlife woman and you care about sex? Then say so in your online dating profile. And no, I'm not just talking about women who are looking for casual fun, although that's a perfectly acceptable choice. I'm talking about any sexually charged woman who believes that good sex is a vital component of a romantic relationship and doesn't want to settle for anything less. My opinion about sexual transparency is practically heresy in the heterosexual dating advice world, where women are routinely admonished for letting it be known that they like sex.
Last week I read a piece written by a dating coach for the over set. While I agreed with most of her advice, I bristled as she urged women to "leave sex out of your profile" because "it gives men the wrong impression and encourages those you aren't interested in.
My guess is that AND you will attract men who are incapable of seeing women as anything more than penis receptacles. This kind of reductionist thinking is horribly unfair to both sexes and, IMHO, is one reason men and women don't trust each other. Women are socialized to believe that men are jerks and men resent women scrutinizing them for covert jerkiness.
Where I do agree with dating coaches is on the importance of marketing. You have one shot -- a fleeting shot, given the cyber candy store otherwise known as online dating -- to make yourself stand out. But you don't want to stand out to everyone; you just want to stand out to the type of person who shares your values -- sexual and otherwise.
If you want to attract someone who values sex as much as you, you need to do the very thing you've been taught not to do: be transparent. I don't mean that you should post wet t-shirt photos and boast of your deep-throating skills. And I certainly don't mean that you should play down your intelligence, since the kind of man you most likely want to attract will also be turned on by your mind.
But I do mean that if you miss having hot morning sex before your hot morning coffee, then go ahead and say that. Here are five reasons why you shouldn't play coy about sex in your online dating profile -- and why you should play it up instead. Are men really such savages that they can't value a woman for more than the sum of her lady parts? Is it so hard to believe that many men are as turned on by a woman's intelligence as they are by her body?
Once you decide that all men are closet douchebags, this mindset will inform your interactions with them. How would you feel if the men you were dating approached you with cynicism and disdain and made you jump through hoops before they'd have sex with you?
If they telegraphed their distrust of all women and kept you guessing whether or not they were truly interested?
If you're like me, you'd be insulted, turned off, and ready to swipe left on Tinder. It's not a woman's job to police a man's sexual behavior. It's just not. Telling a woman that she has to present some sanitized version of femininity in order to find a healthy relationship is like telling her she shouldn't wear short skirts if she doesn't want to be raped. Men need to be held accountable for their own behavior, and if women aren't putting out till Date 10 for the sole reason that a dating coach told them 10 is the magic number, or if they're assiduously avoiding the topic of sex, or if they're afraid to show up to dinner in a clingy blouse because it will signal to their date that they're "only good for one thing," then men don't have to own their choices.
Because women are essentially telling them they can't. Bad things happen when adults aren't up front about their sexual and relationship intentions. Women may pretend to be less sexual than they are for fear of not being taken seriously. They might also engage in hard-to-get games to "keep men interested.
Men often pretend they want a relationship in order to get sex because they're taught they can't say they want sex , spinning dreams of a rosy-hued future which will vanish once they realize the woman they've been making promises to expects them to be kept.
Both genders invite bad behavior from each other in these scenarios and emerge with yet more "proof" that "women are crazy" and "men are assholes. A great guy didn't suddenly morph into a douchebag because you talked about sex in your online profile; he was already a douchebag when he read it. You could have the most conventionally appropriate profile around and still attract a douchebag. Example: back when I had a girl-next-door profile, I met a guy who parroted all the right lingo.
He was "transparent" and "emotionally available" and "looking for a life partner. Since I've become intentionally sexually transparent in my dating profile, I haven't met any douchebags. Some flakes, yes, but no douchebags. Men like my profile because they know where they stand.
If it's okay to talk about your job, your boat, your dog, and your kids, why then, can't you talk about sex? My marriage ended for many reasons, but sexual incompatibility was at the top of the list. The last thing I want, at 51, is another relationship in which I can't be myself sexually -- or to spend time with someone hoping that the sex will get better, then being disappointed when it doesn't. So why not be open about all this in my profile? If a grown man is going to lose respect for me because I'm transparent about sex, then he isn't someone I want to be with anyway.
And, frankly, he isn't a grown-up. Bottom line? If you want to write a sexually transparent profile, go for it. The guy or guys you're meant to be with will appreciate it and you don't need to be concerned about the other ones anyway. You can also private message on the DearDeidreOfficial Facebook page. Follow me on Twitter deardeidre or write to Deidre Sanders, The Sun, London SE1 9GF please enclose SAE.
I was with my last boyfriend for three years but one night he told me he loved me and wanted to marry, then two hours later dumped me by text. Two of the men said they never wear condoms. He was My mum had the kids for the night so I could go out to dinner with him then on to a bar.
I want real love, not these sad one-night stands. DEIDRE SAYS: Being dumped by text after three years must have hurt a lot. I see why you need reassurance and love but your approach is wrong. The men you meet now will just see you as you see yourself — someone with nothing to offer but sex on a plate. Check out Gingerbread, which offers support to single parents, at gingerbread.
On its online forum, you can chat to other single parents about issues such as dating. My e-leaflet Finding The Right Partner For You will help too. But first, have a sexual health check to ensure you are OK. See nhs. READERS can phone me today with any problem at This Morning on ITV, from We were together for three years. We broke up after a lot of arguing. I found I enjoyed being single again but then she started calling me, pleading for another chance.
She said she wants to be single again for a while so I booked up some weekends away with my mates. Then she got angry with me, as she hates all my friends. Please tell me, what do I do? Yes, you will miss some things about her and about having a committed relationship, but hold on to the reasons you decided to split in the first place.
LOSS of sex drive affects one in five men and half of women at some point in life. For my e-leaflet on Reviving Sex Drive, email problems deardeidre. MY daughter is getting married in June and wants to enjoy her big day. The chances are that my youngest will get really drunk at the wedding.
Their older brother says I should not get involved. Should we just tell him to stay well away? DEIDRE SAYS: That would cause a wound that could last a lifetime. Say he must promise to keep off booze completely.
MY boyfriend always looks really smart for work and smells great too.
By Joan Price Monday, April 15, 29 Comments Share This:. Every month in Sex at Our Age, award-winning senior sexpert Joan Price answers your questions about everything from loss of desire to solo sex and partner issues. Nothing is out of bounds!
I am 62, a widow for two years. I recently signed up on OkCupid, a dating site. After a month, I quit. I do not like men asking me sexual questions on a first phone call as if I am being interviewed for a role in a porn movie. There is nothing sexual in my profile. I specified that I was looking for a relationship that would last several years, not casual sex.
My photos showed me in modest clothing. And yet almost every man who contacted me talked about sex! I never went on a single date in the month I used the site.
The rest were creeps. In total, I talked with about a dozen men. Once on the phone, they did not want to talk about much except sex. Come on, buy the lady a cup of coffee. Yes, I am interested in a sexual relationship eventually. If we had a date and we clicked, my guess is that six or so dates later, sex would happen.
My husband would have told you that I was the most willing and enthusiastic lover he ever had. In the age of Viagra and cheap porn, are men reverting to behaving like teenagers?
Where are the men with character? I talked with a male friend and his response saddened and enlightened me. I learn something all the time. I know if this is happening to me, it is happening to other women. I am looking forward to your insights. You picked a good one that many seniors and younger folks use and endorse. One month is a very short testing time. There are plenty of good men there. Your dissatisfaction is based on some crass guys who probably respond to every profile they read, hoping for the best.
Some tips for attracting the right matches:. It might not surprise you that one of the most frequent questions I get from single guys is how to find someone for sex. Some are as tactless as the phone calls you describe. Many of us find dates, matches, and more at your age, at my age 75 , and older. You will, too. Let us know in the comments! Send Joan your questions by emailing sexpert seniorplanet.
All information is confidential. I am completely amazed that most of the older women who have posted still do not understand that pair-bonding is primal in nature. While love is a conscious choice, attraction, chemistry, lust, and limerence are all primal in nature. These aspects of life are controlled by the same part of the brain that controls the autonomic system.
To further complicate things, men and women are driven to pair-bond for very different reasons. The reality is that women are the gatekeepers to sex. Obtaining sex is no big deal for most women, which is why they think sex is cheap. Most women have been fighting off male advances since puberty. That is not remotely true for the average man. Men are the gatekeepers to commitment. Men experience almost no resistance to wanting commitment from an interested woman, but they have to work for sex.
The lack of books written about obtaining commitment is close to nil for men whereas books on this subject targeted at women litter bookshelves. Women almost always date with the goal of establishing a long-term relationship.
Sure, there are times when women are open to a fling, but they do not need to date to have a fling. Why do women date with the goal of a long-term relationship? It is quite simple. Compared to men, women are quite fearful creatures. Plus, he carries most of the extra weight above his shoulders, so he has substantially more upper body strength. That is why male height is a female mate primal selection trigger.
Contrary to what a lot of whining men say, this preference has nothing to do with socialization. How many women are willing to date down in social class? Not many! Now, men do not have the same primal mate selection triggers because men have traditionally made their own way in addition to providing safety and security for women and children. Furthermore, a woman can only bear only a limited number of children at a time, but a man can impregnate multiple women at a time, so there is no instinctive drive to stay with just one woman.
That practice is controlled in modern society via socialization. We are no longer cave dwellers, but primal instinct that was selected under pressure during that periods controls the pair-bonding dance to this day. It is all about ensuring the survival of our individual genes.
By doing so, it does not matter if he does not provide safety and security or provisioning. He wins by sheer numbers. All, and I do mean all able-bodied men are driven to date by the desire to have sex with a fun partner. A relationship for most men is a side effect of seeking sex. To quote a popular dating coach, men look for sex and find love.
For heterosexual men, that means sex with a woman, a gender for whom sex is easily obtained; therefore, it is cheap. The only older men who are dating without sex being the driver are men with health problems who are looking for a nurse with a purse.
Few older women are interested in these men. This data was presented by OkCupid Research a few years ago. I went on over meet-and-greets during that period and the number could have easily been at least double that figure if I had not grown to be incredibly selective not to mention tired of meet-and-greets.
The only difference between the genders is that men are far less selective when it comes to hooking up. My experience online was so radically different than that of my peer-age male single friends that I had to figure out why, which led to understanding that pair-bonding is primal in nature.
It does not matter how old we get. Primal instinct is in control of who we find attractive. That is why we do stupid things when we are under the spell.
For men, that means who they will pursue. Yes, the desire to pursue is primal instinct. i agree with all you wrote i wonder if you feel love or connection with women after sex or desire for continued interaction. With his sex drive clock ticking and maybe wanting to make up for lost time, he is up front about sexual desire from the start.
This is his idea to ensure that the missing component from his former relationship, will be up front on a new commitment. I was widowed just over a year ago and decided to try online dating for the first time.
However I did continue messaging outside the site, someone who sounded very decent. We spoke on the phone and he sounded genuine. We arranged to meet for dinner that night this is day 3 after I started online on dating site.
He was very keen on me after dinner, said that I was better than I portrayed online etc. Full of compliments, but not at all creepy. All very charming and gentle. He wanted to meet again the next evening, so I agreed and he came round to my place for a couple of hours.
We sat on the settee and chatted about all sorts of things, and we clicked. We had a cuddle and a kiss, and he said goodbye. He messaged me 3 times a day, and 3 days later came to see me again. One thing led to another, and he ended up staying the night. I never heard from him the rest of the day, nor the next, he never replied to any of my messages and he never opened them anyway.
Then I just messaged and asked him if he still wanted me to come over, and he then very quickly replied that he was working and there was no point. That was the last I heard from him. This experience has left me feeling cheap and dirty, like a hooker.
8. I've met six guys through online dating, but so far they all just want to have sex on the first date Credit: Alamy. I desperately needed some love so I turned to online dating and found For men, an argument can be made that their purpose is to spread their seed and do anything that improves these chances or facilitates this. Hence why men like the idea of buying and I would say that the conversations usually turn sexual because the guy you are talking to is sexually interested in you. When men are speaking with women they are interested in they try You have to be really clear on that and set your boundaries accordingly. If he respects them, then he gets the green light and you two can continue to get to know him. If he continues, consider Both genders invite bad behavior from each other in these scenarios and emerge with yet more "proof" that "women are crazy" and "men are assholes." 4. It won't keep you from falling for a 2. For men, sex is a hunger. Yes, he wants to be full. But his craving for sex is like a craving for chocolates: Each sexual episode holds the exquisite possibility of a surprise-filled confection ... read more
However, some comments are not welcome here as violations of our Comment Policy. com, OkCupid, and countless others, the stigma of online dating has diminished considerably in the last decade. Most Common Sex Myths About Boomers See Gallery. I wish you well, Peter. My mum had the kids for the night so I could go out to dinner with him then on to a bar.Research says one-third of all people who use online dating sites have never actually gone on a date with someone they met online. Most Common Sex Myths About Boomers See Gallery. But at our age there is so much going on with our bodies, I think it is important that we are honest with our partner, and with ourselves. Yes, do guys always talk sex in online dating, the desire to pursue is primal instinct. Send Joan your questions by emailing sexpert seniorplanet. And I certainly don't mean that you should play down your intelligence, since the kind of man you most likely want to attract will also be turned on by your mind. We need to be prepared to invite a helping hand.